I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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