Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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