Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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