I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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