i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
