So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
