End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
