im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize