Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she smelled like a LAN party
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
