i was born a porn star she said
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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