Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
