sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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