i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
