The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
