Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
