I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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