I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
