He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My ass is underappreciated
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
