My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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