i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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