STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
COCAINE IS GR8
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize