Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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