Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize