He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
