Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
