My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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