Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
