I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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