This is not my ceiling
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The uberlube is also flammable
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
