The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
