I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
