You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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