I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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