During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I want a musical about memes.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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