Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
