brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
