note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
