she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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