Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
