My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
