News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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