I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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