i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize