If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
