Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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