new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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