In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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