The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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