It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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