I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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