i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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