i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So squirting runs in the family.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
