Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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