my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
