I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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