I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
