She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
