i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
