four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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