Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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