apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
